Thank you for mocking my lack of motivation. Thank you so much. You make me feel so good about myself. It doesn’t make me want to kill myself even more now. Oh, no no. I can’t believe you pay so little attention to me that you can’t even tell how depressed I am. Of course you can’t, you have so~ much work to do. No time for anything else, because WORK IS PROVIDING US WITH OUR LIFE. Which goes along with your theory that ‘juniors work and study SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. No time for breaks!’ Excuse me for thinking holiday means break. You turn everything into a big deal when it doesn’t have to be. Just calm down, hey. I should’ve just told you I was doing homework. It works better that way…

So even though I really should be focusing on chemistry right now, I can’t. Because of you. But it’s really my fault. Anyways.

Oh my goodness, I CANNOT like you. MBOM by DCFC came on shuffle right now, and I can’t believe I forgot about every little thing she told me about being confused about liking you. She really really liked you. She did her english project on you. She was literally trying to tell you how she felt through a school assignment. And she kept telling me how oblivious you were, and she wanted you to notice. She liked you. I cannot like you. But I do. So much. And it sucks because if I were her, I would’ve told you. But I’m me. And me is no one. Me is the girl you’re sending mixed signals to. Daily. Giving me these looks. Constantly. Just. Smiling. Out of no where. And being the only one to say hi to me, including my name. And you just make me feel special, okay? But you could never ever like me. Me is the ugly giant. The invisible monster. And really, I just wish the world was blind. I really really wish the world was blind.     

I told myself I wouldn’t watch Glee just because everyone else is. But just, everyone’s talking about it. And you know who watches it, and he seems to like it. So I watched the first episode, and now I’m rushing through my homework so I can watch at least one more episode tonight. Wot. I don’t think it’s OMGAMAZING. But I want to know what happens next. It’s intriguing. And I need one more section of outlining. My stomach hurts. Motivation for once in my life. I can’t believe it. YES, done with that nasty outline. Time to look up stuff about Thaddeus Stevens, then Glee. Wot? 

I wish winter would hurry up and be here. I like winter, probably the most. Because it feels like an excuse to mope around and disappear in blankets and wear sweaters and jackets and just get cozy. I hate summer because it is hot and bright and no one wears decent clothing. And I’m pretty sure it’s when I get annoyed by girls who chose to break the dress code daily. It’s not like a t shirt is ten thousand times more restricting than a tank top. Summer is their excuse to be daring. To pretend like they’re brave. It’s fall. And fall is nice too, because you start to feel the briskness in the air. The wind is crisp. I told myself I would finish APUSH at five. It’s 4 something. Not going to happen. Oh well, I let myself down daily anyways. I think the reason you went to that free acoustic show was to prove to people that you ‘like’ non-disney non-mainstream bands, which is really unnecessary. Like the bands you want to like. Who even cares what other people think. I’m through worrying about what other people think about me. If I went to that show, it would’ve been because I like some of their songs. Honestly. I wouldn’t even take any pictures to show people I went. I hardly took any pictures at the last show I went to, and still, I keep them private on my computer. Just for me and my friend. Because who cares about how many shows you go to? What should matter is that you had fun. And I had fun that day. A lot. I think moments like those keep me alive. I need more of those. Because really, I think I might have a little hope left. I had a strange feeling today, thinking about the future. I almost stopped myself because I remembered I wouldn’t even be here. But instead, I let myself continue planning out my future. I don’t know. Maybe…?

I promised myself I wouldn’t be a sloth this weekend, but I don’t even think that’s physically possible. I have a pile of homework waiting to be done. Not literally a pile. But really, where’s the motivation? It took me nearly 2 hours to get out of bed. I wish it was Christmas break already, but then I don’t. Because break means we would’ve taken finals and gotten final grades. And I’m really not ready for that. I need to do good, but I’m not even determined at the least. I want to go to shows and have fun. I want to have mini jam sessions with my friend. I want to watch pointless videos. And mostly just hide under my blankets and disappear.

Who would I like to see right now? I’d like to see you. I’d like to see you and only you. And I’d like to sit on the top of a hill with some red bull, telling stories. And even though that’s not our thing, we could make it our thing. Because I want us to have something so badly. I don’t want to share you with anyone. And I guess that’s what liking someone does to you. And really, I don’t think I’ve ever really truly liked someone. Because since elementary school, whenever I “liked” someone it was because they were cute or funny. And sometimes, I’ve never even talked to the person. But you, I just. I can’t get enough of you. And I love talking to you. And I love being around you. And I don’t want you to look at anyone the way you look at me. And I want to hold your hand. And I want you to hold my hand. And I want you to offer me your jacket. And I want to discuss inappropriate things with you. Maybe that can be our thing. And I’m pretty sure this blog is going to end up being a whole lot about you. You. Look what you’ve done to me.